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Tom Balwdin tells media off for ‘Red Ed’ remarks #spoof

By Jane Watkinson

Context: Tom Baldwin is Ed Miliband’s spin doctor and has made a name for himself by writing to the newspapers/MPs asking them to do rather pathetic ‘favours’. He instructed Labour MPs against attacking Murdoch regarding the phone hacking incident, whilst asking the media to call the coalition a ‘Tory-led’ government. Therefore, this spoof letter is inspired by Tom Baldwin’s courage. Note, there is likely to be a procession of such blogs.

Dear Mr Media,

I am writing to ask for you to refrain from using the ‘Red Ed’ slogan to describe Ed Miliband. Frankly, we find the use of the term rather inappropriate and divorced from factual reality. The following will outline the reasons for why such a term is inappropriate and what you should call Ed Miliband if you require such pseudo-isms.

Now, the following facts are not allowed to be leaked and quoted, ok? Let’s just keep it as our own elephant in the room. The facts are significant in outlining the serious misjudgements regarding your application of ‘Red Ed’. There are several caveats with such a nickname:

  1. As a party, whilst we have conceded the need for more tax rises, if we had been in government we would still be enacting Darling’s economic policies of halving the deficit within a Parliament primarily through cuts (a plan that Darling said would result in cuts harsher than Thatcher’s). Try ‘reding’ that.
  2. We introduced the ESA scheme, we initiated the Brown Review, we introduced stricter medical tests for benefit recipients, placed more emphasis upon work and introduced negative condescending words such as ‘NEETS’ into dominant language currency. What is more, we still support many of the cuts to welfare, alongside reform to incapacity benefit with the ESA scheme and have been largely vacant when it comes to opposing disability cuts (and benefit cuts overall) in general (which are to be slashed by over 20%).
  3. Before you cite Miliband talking at the March for an Alternative demonstration as evidence for such disparaging remarks, this was purely to appease the growing anguish towards Ed from those Red people. He won’t be marching though; he’s such a tease.

We would rather you used the term ‘progressive’ Ed, especially given Ed’s rather brilliant idea to rename the Labour Party to the ‘Progressive Labour Party‘. I hope you can see the sheer brilliance of such a plan, Ed never fails to amaze me with his ever developing astuteness. It is rather comparable to the way he toyed with those kids protesting against tuition fees; simply genius.

Essentially, whilst Ed Miliband doesn’t like Len McCluskey, we are as he says campaigning for “fewer cuts later on”.

Love and Kisses,

Tom Baldwin

P.S. Obviously, we support a free press, democracy and right to expression etc etc. However, we expect this to be said in the strictest sense of confidentiality, so make sure to get the plumbing done so we don’t know of any leaks!

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